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You are mine

Writer's picture: Kaylea AdamsKaylea Adams

I grew up in a Pentecostal church. I have believed in God all my life. But I was raised to fear God. Not in a respectful fear kind of way, a fearful of condemnation way. I was constantly scared of going to hell. In my teen years, I was a screw-up, and I thought how am I ever going to be good enough to get into Heaven? So, you can imagine how terrified I was of going to hell when I left my ex-husband in October 2016. I got married (the first time) in May 2015, to a man whom I knew I should not marry. There were early signs of abuse. But like the young naive 22-year-old I was, I thought, I can love him through this. I can fix it. If I love hard enough and pray enough God and I can fix this. I was bending God to my will not the other way around. I believe that even though marrying this man was not part of God’s plan for my life, He still had a plan for me when that was the path I chose. The abuse got worse physically, mentally, and emotionally. I no longer went to church and hid from the world to keep him happy.

I got to a real low point and at night I would pray and ask God to not ever wake up again. I didn’t see a way out. I made the choice to marry him, and I didn’t believe I could leave. I didn’t blame God; I wasn’t angry with God. I just hated myself. You see I never once blamed God for the situation I was in. I know most people tend to get angry with God when bad things happen to them as He allowed it. But I knew this was on me. I made that decision. I guess that’s why I was so convinced I couldn’t leave. I felt like I said “I do” already knowing how he could be…both the good and the very bad. I just didn’t realize how bad it would get. His true colors showed. He was an alcoholic and addicted to Xanax and smoking pot. You’d think these things would calm him down but no he seemed to be angrier the more he used.

One day while he was at work, I watched a movie called The War Room. This woman had created a room in her house where she prayed for her husband and for her marriage. I couldn’t exactly clean out our closet but since that was where I would go and hide anyways, I decided I might as well get on my knees there and pray.

For the first time in my life, at the absolute lowest point in my life, I sought after God. And He answered. In April 2016, in my closet, I heard God. I was crying and begging, pleading with God. Then suddenly I was overwhelmed with peace, and a small voice inside said, “Everything will be okay”. I believed Him. I trusted in God. I knew that despite how bad things were and that I saw no way out, I knew everything would be okay. I had peace.

I did try to leave once. He told me to get out. He started packing my things and at first, I fought it and panicked, but then I thought, "This is your way-out Kaylea, take it." As soon as he saw that I would leave he became even more angry. He threw a large glass candle at me which busted at my feet and cut my foot badly. I tried to call for help but he got to my phone before I did and said he would break it if I tried to call anyone. While I was trying to gather my things, he grabbed a dried-up rose I had saved from my Papa’s funeral and crushed it in his hand in front of my face. That was my breaking point that night and I stopped trying to leave. I told him the next morning after I left for work that if he didn’t agree to get help and sober up I wasn’t going to be coming home from work. He agreed and I believed him. He didn’t get help. He did trade the other drugs for other substances. He would leave and be gone for hours, or he would hide out in the shed in the backyard. I wasn’t stupid I knew he was hiding things from me but at this point, I didn’t care.

One night when things were calm, we were eating dinner and I asked him if he even loved me anymore and he simply said, “I don’t know”. I knew he wasn’t trying to hurt me or be mean, he was being honest. Six months after God had spoken to me, we got into a big fight, one he picked simply to have an excuse to sleep in the other room where he had been periodically sleeping for the last 3 months. I prayed and asked God for a sign that night and the next morning He gave it to me. I called my mom, my cousin Alie, and my Nana. They helped me pack up while he was gone at work, and I left.

I went to the pastor of the church I grew up in and told him everything. I told him I feared I was going to go to hell for leaving. He and others assured me that was not the case. The marriage I was in was not what God had intended marriage to be. Also, that is not how God wants me to be loved.

Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future”. I was not living the hopeful life God had intended. I went down a path He did not want for me. I tried to force my will and not His perfect will. I thought I could fix and change this man when that is not my job.

My divorce was final on January 30, 2017. Since then, I have learned about Christ's true love and compassion. A friend of mine told me that when Christ was being beaten and abused and yelled at, He thought of me. I will never forget that. Christ's abuse was for the abuse I had faced. He knew my pain and He saw every tear. My favorite verse has always been John 11:35 “Jesus wept”. It means more to me now than it ever did before. He felt pain. He cried real tears. He knows my pain and my every sorrow and fear. He was sitting right there with me through all of it.

There are so many verses in the Bible that tell us how God is with us always no matter what we are facing.

  • Deuteronomy 31:8 “He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

  • Isaiah 41:10 “Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”

  • John 14:27 “Peace is what I leave with you; it is my own peace that I give you. I do not give it as the world does. Do not be worried and upset; do not be afraid.”

  • Isaiah 43:1 “Don’t fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; YOU ARE MINE”

These are just a few of my favorites reminding me God is there. He will never leave you; He is with you, He gives you His perfect peace, you are His. He knows your name. You could say well I don’t believe in God. That’s okay because He still believes in you, and He will never give up on you. Well, I’m not worth loving, to Him you are worth everything. He died for you, He bled for you. You are precious to Him.

When I left, I thought I had nothing more to offer anyone. I had nothing left to give. I was very wrong. I pushed to figure God out. I became friends with people who had a better relationship with God, and I asked a billion questions. I had a hunger to know more and more and I still do.

My journey has not been perfect I have stumbled and fallen on my face a few times. But I have not forgotten that Christ loves me beyond any of it. I had to learn to forgive myself like He had forgiven me. I forgave my ex a long time ago and it may seem crazy, but I never hated him. I felt compassion and sadness. My ex-in-laws were a different story. It wasn’t until this year that I finally felt I could truly forgive them. I was listening to my ex-father-in-law preach and I felt sympathy and forgiveness for him and his wife. When hugged them and spoke to them that day I finally felt at peace with both, and I know that had everything to do with God. I got caught up in religion and a fear of hell and forgot about having an actual relationship with our loving father.


Image: Virgin Mary and Eve

Crayon and pencil drawing by Sr Grace Remington, OCSO

© 2005, Sisters of the Mississippi Abbey.


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Artwork credit: The Last Supper, Sadao Watanabe ,1977

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